Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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