New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
