i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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