I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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