dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
