can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
