4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
