If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
