You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The uberlube is also flammable
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
