mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
