Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
