I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
