no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
