Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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