Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
my poor anus
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
