checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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