I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize