He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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