I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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