I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
