We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
