Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
