The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
