Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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