I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize