Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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