You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
