dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
