Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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