it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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