when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
