ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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