am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
