Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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