Your mouth is God's brothel.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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