you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
