i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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