Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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