The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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