Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
