Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
