i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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