i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
