I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
