Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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