I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
