I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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