i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
