If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
