Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
