I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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