My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize