I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
