If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
