Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
im six kinds of drunk right now
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
