ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
