2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
