I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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