Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We were destined to go to rehab together
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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