I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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