PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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